We discover/
make a cacophony
inside a square of dull silver
(a hole, wholly gutted
and cavernous;
there is no end)
the sky is concrete,
but the walls, like worn
jeans have felt a million
hands, turquoise fingerprints/
thumbprints/
palm-prints
and scuffed heels carrying/
kicking
glass sediment and flakes
of old paint,
not burnt sienna, but
harsh orange/
a glimpse
of acid yellow
flecks
(they stick
in my arteries).
Through the flash of
lenses they discover
we dive through the walls
and every hand we find
offers a gift
we permeate the concrete, we permeate the concrete
collect as an entity, an entity of colour --
brilliant red a blue-green puddle
like the scales of a fish.














Critiques
I am drawn to the final split-up stanza bit at the end (I'm sure there's a technical term but I'm afraid I don't know it!). Actually, on this critique screen, it's displaying differently, which is confusing - but looking at it in a new window, I see that the two halves of the stanza don't make sense on their own, which would be kind of cool. I simply suggest moving that 'the' away from ' permeate' on the right, and have a repetition of 'the concrete' on the left.
Nothing else is leaping out at me - I have no more suggestions. It's a really evocative piece - you've done a brilliant job of conjuring up images and atmosphere.
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