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16 - South Bank Graffiti by `poisonedrose:iconpoisonedrose:



We discover/
make a cacophony
inside a square of dull silver–


(a hole, wholly gutted
and cavernous;
there is no end)


the sky is concrete,
but the walls, like worn


jeans have felt a million
hands, turquoise fingerprints/
thumbprints/
palm-prints


and scuffed heels carrying/
kicking
                        glass sediment and flakes


of old paint,

not burnt sienna, but
harsh orange/
a glimpse
of acid yellow
flecks

(they stick
in my arteries).


               Through the flash of
                             lenses they discover –


we dive through the walls
and every hand we find
offers a gift –


we permeate the concrete,                                                        we permeate the concrete
collect as an entity,                                                                   an entity of colour --
brilliant red                                                                               a blue-green puddle
                                                                                                like the scales of a fish.
Creative Commons License
Some rights reserved. This work is licensed under a
Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 License.
:iconpoisonedrose:

Author's Comments

Dual endings, variant words/lines.


An edit of a poem I wrote collaboratively with ~nascent-sirocco.

Critiques


:iconthornyenglishrose:
What grabs me most about this piece is that it looks so beautiful, with all your lovely punctuation. Then, of course, the words are good - they really flow, and they sound amazing. I honestly do love it, and it's difficult to offer ideas for improvement (I'm sure I couldn't write a poem like this myself!).

I am drawn to the final split-up stanza bit at the end (I'm sure there's a technical term but I'm afraid I don't know it!). Actually, on this critique screen, it's displaying differently, which is confusing - but looking at it in a new window, I see that the two halves of the stanza don't make sense on their own, which would be kind of cool. I simply suggest moving that 'the' away from ' permeate' on the right, and have a repetition of 'the concrete' on the left.

Nothing else is leaping out at me - I have no more suggestions. It's a really evocative piece - you've done a brilliant job of conjuring up images and atmosphere.
The Artist thought this was FAIR
1 out of 1 deviants thought this was fair.

:iconbatousaijin:
I can't say that this one has wowed me as so many of your other poems have in the past. Where your other poems are immediate and concrete, this one isn't concrete enough to make me believe the speaker is looking at concrete. The image of "the sky is concrete" is a great starting point for the poem to really take off into unknown territory, but the following image "like worn / jeans, have felt a million hands" actually falls on its face after its initial presentation. Keep running with the jeans. After that, the metaphors become too rapid-fire. Stick with one metaphor per object. Try and keep the harsh colors though, they really gave me the feeling of physical harm through sight/smell or, should i say, smision! But make them related to the jeans, or to some other central metaphor for the wall if the jeans end up not fitting.
The Artist thought this was FAIR
1 out of 1 deviants thought this was fair.

Thank you for your Critique

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:iconthornyenglishrose:
This is totally awesome. I will try to remember to give you a critique when I get time. :)

--
Be inspired: *simplyprose and *simplypoetry.

Save trees and elephants! Check out poopoopaper.com!
:iconanavah:
I found this an absolute delight to read. The subtle rhyme scheme carried the piece like a darting butterfly across a field. Good imagery and form, imho.

--
No need to thank me for "Faves" or Watches; however, if you feel the need, please do so in my Shoutbox.

Thank you.
:iconpoisonedrose:
Thank you! My friend and I wrote the initial version over some Burger King at Waterloo. :D

--
-- J :butterfly:

:bulletblack:#Writers-Workshop:bulletblack:
:iconclippers0507:
ahhhhhhhh. I really miss your poetry. on a touch, iPod, so can't fav, but truly love/dig.

--
My boy, if silence is golden, you are bankrupt. -
Charlie Chan
:iconacidsleftmyeye:
This is quite fantastic.
It's beautiful, both in form and in cadence.

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April 26
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